Don’t be a drip! Hit the ground plumbing… Ask Liz Truss as told to CRAIG BROWN

Liz Truss answers all your plumbing queries . . .

Q: My kitchen tap keeps dripping. Any advice?

B.S., Herts.

Liz Says: I believe in kitchen taps. Not just your kitchen tap. Not just my kitchen tap. But everyone’s kitchen taps, across this great country of ours.

I want our kitchen taps to be the best in the world. And that’s why I am so proud you asked me to step up and deal with your kitchen tap. I want to hit the ground ruining.

Q: Could you be more specific, please, Liz? How would you stop my kitchen tap dripping?

Liz Says: I embrace your kitchen tap. I was brought up in a household with an ordinary, decent tap in the kitchen. That’s why I am determined to unleash new opportunities for all our taps.

Truss: I embrace your kitchen tap. I was brought up in a household with an ordinary, decent tap

Q: Any chance of stopping my kitchen tap dripping, though, Liz?

Liz Says: Let’s be quite clear about this. I’ll work day and night to deliver on my promises and stop your tap dripping. And, furthermore, I will stand up to those who insist it can’t be done. That is how I got where I am today.

Q: But what exactly will you do to stop it dripping?

Liz Says: I’ll hit the ground rummaging.

Q: My bathroom pipe is leaking. What should I do?

P.B., Wittering.

Liz Says: British households can trust me to do what is necessary and right. I will also work day and night to do what is right and necessary. And that is because I strongly believe that doing what is right and necessary is much better than doing what is not right and unnecessary.

Q: Since you began that reply, Liz, the bathroom floor has been filling up with water. Urgent help needed, please!

Liz Says: My record on bathroom pipes is second to none. I know where they are. And I know what they are.

Yes. They are pipes.

And they are in the bathroom.

And what I have demonstrated, time and again, is that we urgently need a bold new approach to bathroom pipes. If they are leaking, we need to know why. And then we need to do something about it.

Mine has always been a sleeves-up, hands-and-knees, head-over-heels approach to household maintenance. And that’s why I plan to hit the ground groaning.

Q: My water heater is faulty. Cold water suddenly turns hot. Hot water suddenly turns cold. Any tips, Liz?

R.P., Wilts.

Liz Says: Let’s be in no doubt. Cold water is hotter than hot water and hot water is colder than cold water.

Q: Did you just say that cold water is hotter than hot water, Liz?

Liz Says: Erm, well. In certain circumstances and under certain conditions. Given the right environment.

Q: So, let’s get this straight. You said hot water is colder than cold water?

Liz Says: On that particular point I was wrong and, more importantly, I am prepared to admit I was wrong. I am so proud to have the courage and the judgment to admit it when I am wrong, even when I’m not. And that is the limescale of the challenge we face. And now, confronted by faulty water heaters, let us, as a country, walk tall in the whirl.

Furthermore, I’ll be posing for photographs tomorrow, smiling in a bathroom shower. Yes, I plan to hit the ground gurning.

Q: Why does my boiler keep losing pressure?

M.T., Bucks.

Liz Says: I’m so delighted for you that your boiler is losing pressure.

Q: But I don’t want it to be losing pressure.

Liz Says: And that’s why I strongly condemn your boiler for losing pressure. My government will stand up to all boilers that keep losing pressure.

I will run my government as a team. Us against the faulty boilers. My mission is to build a perspiration nation.

As Prime Minister, I will work day and night to deliver fresh promises. More promises for more people, 24/7.

Then — and only then — will I sit down to my eggs and bacon.

That way, I will hit the rind groaning.